Healthy Family: Picking Partner.. Decisive Phase of Ever Lasting Impact

By: Yassmine ElSayed

CAIRO, Dec. 3 (SEE) – Many of the problems which happen in families can be avoided if one properly chooses the ‘Partner’ from the first place. For some people, it can all be about the partner, and everything else comes next.

An aware selection of the partner is a decisive step that will certainly impact the rest of your life. You can avoid falling at some problems if you arrange your thought, brainstorm and consult before deciding to get into a relationship.

Well, choosing a partner would depend upon various criteria according to the one’s personality. Some people prefer to look at the religious traits. Others think of the financial, and others watch the ethical traits of the person they are thinking about. For others, it’s all about the emotional attraction. To tell you the truth, there is no clear-cut criterion, but frankly, it’s a formula of all traits.

If you felt attracted to a certain person because one of those traits, this is not enough to decide if you will take him/her as your home mate for the rest of life.

Religious people would recommend religious traits, and rich might recommend the wealthy partners, but in this piece, ‘SEE’ brings you the psychological opinion in this issue.

Dr. Ahmed Haron, psychotherapist, stated in a piece published by ‘Alyoum Alsabe’ website that given the high rates of divorce, one should think properly before choosing a certain partner. He explained that people who rush to marriage based on emotional obsession, most likely would separate in the first year. He affirmed that love comes gradually in a relationship. He added that the engagement period is very much important because it’s allowing both sides to have a deeper look at the personalities of each other.

On other hand, Lena Aburdene Derhally, psychotherapist regarded in a recent piece published at huffpost.com that there are certain criteria upon which one can take that decision. They are as follows:

  1. Don’t make choices out of fear: So many times people either choose a partner or stay with someone in an unhappy relationship predominantly out of some kind of fear. Making decisions out of fear leads to confusion, anxiety and a general feeling of something being amiss.
  2. Be careful of jumping into a committed relationship right off the bat: As time progresses, you may find out things that you really don’t like or that you’re truly not compatible with this person. Because you invested so much emotional energy quickly, this can hurt a lot more than it would have if you had taken time to get to know the person before putting your whole heart in to the relationship. When we’re in the “romantic” stages of the beginning of a relationship, we are often making choices out of lust and fantasy-like projections instead of reality and logic. It’s important to remain grounded and patient when deciding to be seriously committed to someone.
  3. Give people a chance that you normally wouldn’t give a chance to: Remember attraction can grow the more you get to know a person and their personality. Some people also take a lot of time to get to know and don’t wear their heart on their sleeves. Still waters run deep and you may not get a chance to find that out if you don’t take the time to get to know someone.
  4. Throw out your checklist: Many people have extensive lists of what qualities and traits their ideal partner has to have. If you box yourself in to a checklist you may miss out on some great matches for you. It’s almost impossible to find a perfect checklist partner, and when we think we have found it we throw all caution to the wind and disregard some not so desirable qualities. A great relationship has emotional compatibility. How does the person make you feel as opposed to what does this person look like on paper.
  5. Look for qualities that are the foundation of a good partnership, throw the tiny details out: The qualities of a person that help to build the foundation of a good partnership are: Empathy, integrity, honesty, reliability, kindness and emotional generosity. If you find these qualities in someone, be curious about pursuing it further, even if they may not seem like your type on the surface. Other criteria, like “sense of humor,” “world traveler,” and “good dancer” are nice-to-haves but don’t necessarily have to be there for you to be happy in your relationship.
  6. Don’t let lust be your guide: People have a tendency to put up with a lot of crap from someone they are thinking about when they feel a magnetic chemistry with them. Magnetic chemistry is great but don’t excuse bad behavior because of it.
  7. Don’t confuse an “emotional roller coaster” with being crazy about someone: When someone isn’t fully emotionally available to us or we don’t know where they stand, it creates a type of anxiety. The anxiety has a way of taking over our brains to the point where our thoughts are all consumed by this person. We’re constantly thinking about where they are and what they are doing. Before we know it, we start planning our lives around them. Maybe you decide to keep your calendar open just so you don’t miss an opportunity to see this person. When the person validates and affirms you, it feels great! On the flip side, when they remove themselves emotionally, ignore, manipulate or berate, it feels like the worst thing in the world. Soon the relationship has turned into a see-saw of high-highs and low-lows, which can make us feel a bit crazy or out of our element. Don’t confuse these type of feelings with love.
  8. Find someone you can be yourself around: This may sound cliched but it’s true. Picking a partner where you feel like you can be 100 percent yourself with no judgment and complete acceptance is a wonderful and liberating feeling. In life it can be difficult to find venues where you can truly be yourself. A relationship should be your safe and comfortable place where you don’t have to keep a mask on.
  9. Don’t keep waiting for something to change that obviously won’t: The longer you stay in a situation that you know is ultimately doomed or doesn’t align with your personal values, the more you block yourself from having the opportunity to meet the right person. Be clear with yourself about what you will and won’t accept and know what your deal-breakers are. Once you become clear on those things, it is easier to make a decision about the fate of a relationship.
  10. Have fun! The less pressure you put on yourself, the happier you are with yourself, and the more at ease you are will create a space to attract the right kind of people to you. Sometimes it takes seeing a lot of what you don’t want to figure out what you do want. Enjoy yourself!

For her part, Barton Goldsmith Ph.D., Emotional Fitness expert, considered that among the most important criteria are:

  1. Find someone you can talk to. As time passes, this quality is more important than looks, money, or position. If you can’t talk to your partner or cry on his or her shoulder, it’s not going to be a good match.
  2. Make sure you have the basics in common. For example, if one of you want children and the other doesn’t, it’s a deal breaker. Spiritual and political differences can also be difficult to deal with. As we age, our feelings in these areas tend to intensify.
  3. Make sure that you have enough differences that, if you are unable to go out, you can still entertain each other. If someone is just like you, it might get a little boring as time goes by.
  4. Beware of people who want to get married immediately. Engagements were created for a reason. They used to call them “handfasts,” and they lasted for a year and a day. Things move much quicker these days, but it’s wise to know someone for at least six months before getting engaged.
  5. Find someone who makes you laugh. A sense of humor can help you overcome many of life’s obstacles. If someone can make you smile when you don’t feel like it, that’s a great quality.

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