By: Yassmine ElSayed
CAIRO, Dec. 5 (SEE) - Staying in a healthy marriage and life does not count only on one partner but actually on both. No one should be all the time 'giver' and the other 'taker', but things should be exchanged continuously, where by the end the duties of each partner toward the other will pay off.
The real secret of a healthy marriage is when each one performs duties and get back rights.
Picking a right partner is some thing critical in this regard, for it will facilitate all the next phases in life, will never guarantee, however, that life would be free of problems. in the worst case still, they will get solved.
In accordance, people who are about to get into a formal relationship should know in advance what are their duties but also rights.
Some of those, typically, are associated with religion, some are with law, and some depend upon traditions. But, again, "SEE' brings you the opinion of psychology, that is, what is thought by families' therapists based on their experience which, by the way, never confined to a certain society or time, but they are really based on transcendental human basis.
The family is a small social unit that makes up the society. Members of a family have a close relationship and common goals and interests. The happiness of each member depends on the happiness of the whole family. After marriage, men and women must consider all the members of the family not only their inpidual selves. The relationship between a husband and wife is not like that of neighbors or friends; it is much more extreme—on the verge of unity. Whenever selfishness exists, the family is on the count-down track to diminish.
Marcel Schwantes, principal and founder at 'Leadership From the Core' considered that there are certain rights for wives that they are duties of husbands and then reverse it otherwise to tell what are the rights of husbands which are duties of wives. In an article titled "Want a Successful Marriage? Spouses Should Do These 10 Things For Each Other Often", he listed those as follows:
10 Things Women Need In a Marriage:
1. She needs to be number one. Your wife needs to feel that she is more important than your business or job, and especially more important than your mother, children, friends, sports, and hobbies.
2. She needs intimacy. When your wife is stressed out and overwhelmed from putting out fires all day while trying to meet that important deadline, she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures. In other words, don't fix her. Lend an ear, and let her process.
3. She needs you to be vulnerable. Open or unobstructed communication is hugely important to the female gender, and that you can be emotionally available for her.
4. She needs to be praised. Make it a habit to often acknowledge and praise her for her work accomplishments so she can feel like she's a valuable part of your life.
5. Let her be part of your team. Your wife needs to feel free to help you and contribute to the things that matter to you without fearing retaliation and anger.
6. She needs you to protect and defend her. Not just from physically harm, but from the criticism of others. She wants to know that you are for her, and has her back.
7. Make her feel like her opinion counts. She needs to know that her opinion is so valuable about your work or business that you will discuss decisions with her, and act only after carefully evaluating her advice.
8. Share your life with her. She needs to connect with you in a special way, so create margin so she can share her life with you in every area -- home, family, work, and outside interests. Don't shut her out.
9. Be a man of character and integrity. She needs you to be the kind of man her son can follow and her daughter would want to marry.
10. Hold her often. She needs physical affection, to be tenderly held, just to be near you.
10 Things Men Need In a Marriage
1. Stop the insults in an attempt to motivate him to change. Women may think their harsh criticisms will fix their husbands and make them better. Nope! What you are doing is actually causing rejections that will lead to anger, which will then lead to bitter resentment toward you.
2. Create the safe space for open and emotionally honest dialogue to happen. If a woman can risk still respecting her man in spite of his Neanderthal habits, he will eventually demonstrate with his heart that he can and is willing to change. Respect is the gateway for such conversations to happen, and a wise wife will offer it frequently to build up her husband, and set the stage for such intimate encounters.
3. Express respect in his love language. It can be spoken through "words of affirmation"-- one of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. Nothing is as important for such a man to hear his woman assure him that he is awesome, competent, and heroic. So make your home a place of safety in his life, where those critical voices he hears in his business life are drowned out by the soothing voice of your affirmations.
4. Respect him by offering yourself for physical affection. When wives willingly and passionately make this to their men, this speaks loudly that you respect his need for physical affection, served up his way.
5. Respect him by letting him be a man. If a woman allows her Joe to be Joe without mothering him, and lets him "be" who he was designed to be without the need to fix him, Joe will come out of his cave more often, hand you his heart, and engage you emotionally....without losing his masculinity.
6. Respect him by giving him space. Lets say you and your man get into a heated spat. Sometimes the tendency is for a woman to push for instant conflict resolution. Is that true? What's going on in your mature man's mind is totally the opposite. He's going, "I need some space now!" Give him the space he needs to go to his cave and process his thoughts. He might be new to this, so even allow for him to complain and express himself in a way he needs to be heard until he eventually comes around.
7. Support and encourage him because he's under pressure most of the time, but won't tell you. A man fighting to provide for his family needs constant affirmation, and that she believes in him and looks up to him. Wives must see themselves in the privileged role of offering their men what no other person can -- full acceptance of their masculine truth. A woman who reaches this level of respect for her man will have a man who'll love her forever.
8. Appreciate all parts of your man. If you appreciate his muscles, athleticism, creative flair, how he fixes things around the house without you asking, tell him how much you appreciate it all, and often.
9. Be attractive for him. That means a woman's love of self, her passion for life, and how she carries herself will transcend his love for you. As you embody your attractiveness, he will reflect that same passion. A woman who wants a mature man will invest in living life to its fullest.
10. Respect him by growing as a whole person. To get to that happy place, means the road along the way took some work of healing and growth for you-- like releasing shame, depression, anger, sadness, and fear along the way. But you've arrived, and you are now deserving of a mature, emotionally-healthy man so that both of you may have life, and have it abundantly.
At the end of the day, relationships have to be 50-50 in order to be successful. “Men value competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist “The truth is that learning successful problem solving can end fighting and therefore lead to more intimacy.”
As you age together, there are plenty of approaches you can take to maintain the love that brought you together at the first place. Consider these tips from Gregory A. Kuhlman, Ph.D. and Patricia Schell Kuhlman, LCSW, founders of Marriage Success Training:
• Build (or re-build) positivity in your relationship. Research has revealed that happy couples have at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Couples who slip below five-to-one have a hard time restoring the balance and tend to interpret neutral interactions negatively. Repair after your fights. Don’t allow prolonged periods of resentment to persist.
• Keep returning to the things that you enjoy doing together and that brought you together in the first place, but also use novel experience to spice things up.
• Make time for your bond to get stronger — no matter what. Couples need to spend 12 to 15 (non-sleep, non-TV) hours per week together on average to keep their bond strong.
• Celebrate your relationship. Develop rituals to commemorate your anniversaries and other memorable relationship milestones. Build a relationship mythology by telling your stories, such as that of how you met.
A happy marriage deserves to get fight for but also invested in time and effort, if you're not willing to perform your duties, don't risk or rush to be in a family until you're ready.
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